Nominations For Leonard Cohen’s Funniest Song Lyrics – Last Call

The nominations received for Leonard Cohen’s Funniest Song Lyrics thus far follow (in no particular order). If you haven’t sent in your nominations or if I overlooked your suggestions, please send them now to my email address or leave them in the Comments to this post at Suggestions left in Facebook Comments or sent by Facebook Messenger may or may not reach me. The criteria for nominations can be found at Searching For Leonard Cohen’s Funniest Song Lyrics,


Complete Songs

Songs nominated in their retirements:

1. Because Of’
2. Never Any Good
3. Field Commander Cohen
4. A Singer Must Die
5. Anyhow
6. Don’t Go Home With Your Hard-On


1. Is This What You Wanted

… you were Marlon Brando
I was Steve McQueen
You were KY Jelly
I was Vaseline
You were the father of modern medicine
Yeah I was Mr. Clean
You were the Whore & the Beast of Babylon
I was Rin Tin Tin …

2. The Future

Give me absolute control
over every living soul
And lie beside me, baby,
that’s an order!

3. Almost Like The Blues

There’s torture and there’s killing
And there’s all my bad reviews
The war, the children missing
Lord, it’s almost like the blues

4. Chelsea Hotel #2

You told me again you preferred handsome men
but for me you would make an exception.

5. Democracy

I’m just staying home tonight,
getting lost in that hopeless little screen.
But I’m stubborn as those garbage bags
that Time cannot decay,
I’m junk but I’m still holding up
this little wild bouquet:

6. Tonight Will Be Fine

you went right on loving
and i went on a fast
now i am too thin
and your love is too vast

7. Memories

So won’t you let me see
I said “won’t you let me see”
I said “won’t you let me see
Your naked body?”

8. Everybody Knows

Everybody knows that you love me baby
Everybody knows that you really do
Everybody knows that you’ve been faithful
Ah give or take a night or two
Everybody knows you’ve been discreet
But there were so many people you just had to meet
Without your clothes
And everybody knows

9. Different Sides

But frankly I don’t like your tone

10. Different Sides

Com’on baby gimme me a kiss

11. Going Home

I love to speak with Leonard,
He’s a sportsman and a shepherd,
He’s a lazy bastard livin’ in a suit.


12. Closing Time

C’mon baby give me a kiss

13. Closing Time

She’s a hundred, but she’s wearing something tight

14. Closing Time

And I swear it happened just like this
A sigh, a cry, a hungry kiss
The gates of love they budged an inch
I can’t say much has happened since

15. Amen

I dreamed about you baby
You were wearing half your dress

16. Amen

Have mercy on my baby
After all I did confess

17. I Can’t Forget

.. and I can’t forget,
I can’t forget,
I can’t forget,
I can’t forget,
but I don’t remember what

18, Take This Waltz

In Vienna there’s ten pretty women

9 Replies to “Nominations For Leonard Cohen’s Funniest Song Lyrics – Last Call”

  1. Jo Meul


    I think this is quite a funny section (from ‘That don’t make it junk’) :

    I fought against the bottle,
    But I had to do it drunk
    Took my diamond to the pawnshop
    But that don’t make it junk.
    I know that I’m forgiven,
    But I don’t know how I know
    I don’t trust my inner feelings
    Inner feelings come and go.

    Kind regards,

    Jo Meul

  2. Alan Mawhinney

    ANYHOW (concert version)_
    Aw, you told me things you’d like to do
    Which I would not allow
    But I’ve changed my mind and I’m tellin’ you
    That I’d like to do them now

    You say your lover
    Keeps you busy
    With his acrobatic moves
    Hey, don’t call unless you miss me
    I don’t need that kinda news

    p.s. quotes 15 & 16 above are actually from Anyhow, not Amen.
    So … I agree – all of Anyhow (both versions) qualifies for funniest Leonard Cohen lyrics.

  3. Bella

    For me the funniest line is this one from his Future song:

    Take the only tree that’s left and stuff it up the hole in your culture

  4. Imelda

    (On the Level)
    I was fighting with temptation
    But I didn’t want to win
    A man like me don’t like to see
    Temptation caving in

    (I Can’t Forget)
    I’ll be there today with a big bouquet of cactus…

  5. Elizabeth Bacon-Smith

    I voted for #1 full song “Field Commander Cohen.”
    I voted for #1 lyrics “Is This What You Wanted,” but got nothing confirming, so don’t know if it took. So many great contenders. Hard to decide.
    Ironic that I dreamt about him last night.

    – Lizzie

    1. DrHGuy Post author

      Sorry. it’s one vote per person (see Instruction #1 “Vote for ONE selection”)